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Will I Be Seen As Inexperienced If I Ask Questions In Bed?

I'm not gonna lie— sex can be intimidating. It used to be intimidating to me. Like, big time.

I always felt really worried about "failing." I felt so afraid that my partner would think I was "bad" at sex or that I didn't know what I was doing.

A lot of this came from having the idea that I needed to be "good" at sex— and being "good" at sex looked a really particular way.

Let me break it down for you. I thought that having good sex mean that I knew exactly what my partner wanted, without even having to ask, and knowing exactly how to do it, perfectly. I thought good sex meant having no awkward moments— no messy queefs, discharge, cum, blood or any other bodily fluid. I thought it meant not ever having to problem solve about how we were going to get into a new position. I thought it meant being serious and doing it "right."

The biggest thing I though "good" sex meant, was not having to ask my partner what they wanted, because I thought I should just know. And I thought that if I had to ask, they would think I was inexperienced, and they would think I was "bad" in bed.

Damn. That's a lot of pressure!

For me, all of this thinking led to having a lot of unenjoyable sex. But I think that one of the worst things it led to was not communicating with partners. I didn't ask questions. I didn't ask much about if they liked something, if they wanted me to make adjustments, or how I could make it feel better for them. And you know what, they also weren't asking me these questions either. It pretty much left it up to each of us to silently guess whether or not the other person was enjoying themselves. And let me tell you, this does not lead to a collaborative, consensual, safe, fun, experience.

So to answer the question, "will I be seen as inexperienced if I ask questions in bed?" The answer is simple: no. Asking questions in bed does not mean that you are inexperienced or inadequate. In fact, asking questions in bed usually leads to better—and more consensual—sex for everyone involved.

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