Using sex toys with your partner can be an exciting way to switch things up, learn new things about you and your partner, and experience a different kind of intimacy together. Sex toys can help you and a partner stimulate parts of the body that might be hard to reach in certain positions, like using a cock ring to stimulate the clitoris or using a but plug. Sex toys can also be used to create sensations you can't create with just your body, for example, a vibrator, hot wax, or flogger. Sex toys are also fantastic if you have an injury, disability, or other physical limitations. Honestly, the ways toys can enhance partnered sex and the things that you can do with them is nearly endless
The thing is, it can feel scary to tell a partner that you want to bring a toy into the bedroom. You may be fearful that your partner will think they aren't enough for you. You might be worried that they will get defensive or feel inferior. And it can feel scary to wonder if your partner will judge or shame the thing you want to try.
The truth is, whatever toy, scene, or prop you want to play with, I can tell you for certain, it's okay. You are normal. And there are plenty of other people out there who enjoy the same thing. I promise.
If you want to bring sex toys into partnered sex, you've come to the right place and you're taking the right steps toward making it happen. You might be wondering what to say to your partner if you want to use sex toys. Here are seven things you can say if you want to introduce sex toys into the bedroom.
"I feel nervous to say this because its vulnerable for me. But, I love having sex with you. And I've always dreamed of doing X with you. What would you think of learning more about doing that together?"
“A vibrator makes me feel so _____. And I think that combined with the way you _____ would be really fun. Would you want to try that?”
“I have been struggling lately to (have an orgasm, stay present during sex, etc.). I think X sex toy or activity would make me feel really good. What do you think of trying that with me?”
“It really turns me on to think about doing (insert activity or toy) with you, do you want to try that together?”
“How do you feel about _____?”
“Its really important to me that we both enjoy ourselves when we’re having sex. Something that would help me feel more connected to my body and to you is _______. What do you think of trying that?”
“I’ve been thinking about _____ a lot lately. I’ve never done it before. Would you be interested in trying it?”
A few tips to remember:
Your partner probably wants you to feel good, so when you're talking with them, focus on how you think sex toys will make you feel when you're having sex together.
Before you tell a partner what you want to do, ask if they would be willing to have a conversation about sex. This gives them the chance to opt in to the conversation and have it when they are ready, so they don't feel caught off guard. You can even ask if there is a specific time that would be best for them.
Remember that different people may experience different levels of sexual shame or repression, so in the same way that it feels vulnerable for you to tell your partner about the toy you want to try, it may also be really scary for them to talk about it as well. Depending on our identities, we may not feel as though we are "allowed" to enjoy certain sex acts, fantasies, power dynamics, etc.
Continue to reassure your partner that you enjoy having sex with them through positive affirmations. Asking for something new or asking for adjustments are usually best received when they come with a compliment.